I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
