wat bout pragnant strippers??
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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