Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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