kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
A+ Viking dick
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
