Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
