I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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