I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
there's paper in my vomit.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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