It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
