Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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