how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You did what with his pubic hair?
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