And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
This house was built for laser tag.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
