we're blogging at a bar
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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