My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
