Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
sarcasm needs its own font
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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