You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
