I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
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