I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
