You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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