You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We need a shit load of segways right now
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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