I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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