Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
