Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
