life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
