Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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