Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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