I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
