Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
