You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
