I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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