My nipple is on Facebook.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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