I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
