I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
