how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
