remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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