Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
