with your own penis?
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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