Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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