my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
