why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
