If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
