i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
