I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
