I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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