forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize