im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he fucked my hip out of place.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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