No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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