You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
