i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
