OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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