Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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