She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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