i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
