I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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