My boss' voice literally gives me gas
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
