My friends, they love my intelligence
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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