Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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