what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
