I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
