I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize