Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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